In Human-Kinds early history the Tribe was the group you were born into. You had a kinship with the Tribe through physical DNA as well as customs that included rules, traditions, myths and superstitions.
The Tribe survived, and therefore the individuals who were a part of it, based on the cooperation and sometimes coercion of its members. If you were expelled from the Tribe it frequently meant certain death.
The concept of survival and growth through cooperative efforts rather than coercion is an interesting one to me. Do we still need coercion to protect today's Tribe? And if we do, how do we balance the two?
Watch any parent in a public setting long enough and you will see 21st Century style cooperation and coercion in action. I don't see coercion going away any time soon. In some restaurants I have been in, 'experiencing' parents with their children I would have a big vote for coercion.
The challenge is that much of growth comes from cooperative efforts, so how do enhance those while minimizing coercion?
And it raises other questions:
How do we be a good cooperative member of our tribe and be independent as well?
When does the tribe perceive the line is crossed between independence and conformity to tribal rules and what will it do about it?
How does the tribe support growth and independence of its members?
Today we have the luxury of belonging to many, many tribes. There is our family tribe, our friend tribe(s), our work tribe, our hobby and special interest tribe(s), the tribes of each our kids, our religious/spiritual tribe, and now even Internet tribes spread far and wide!
The great thing about this is that we can get the support from one group that we don't feel we are getting from another. And if we have a falling out with one tribe there are others to take its place, if we make it so. In other words much is in our control. A falling out (or pushing out) does not mean death. It may be uncomfortable. It might even make us sad or angry, but it is not the death notice it was in ancient times.
And yet, we frequently live our lives as though it is. We worry so about what others think about us that we become inhibited, we hold back. Sometimes that is the right behavior but many times it is not. We have to consciously choose.
Have you ever wanted to tell a friend how important they are to you but decided against it?
Have you ever wanted to sincerely tell a co-worker what a great job they do but were afraid you would look like a 'brown-noser'?
Have you ever wanted to tell a parent that you love them but felt awkward?
Have you ever had the chance to call out an answer to a question but didn't because you thought, 'what if I'm wrong...' only to find out you were right?
We had a choice in each of those situations and our inhibitions coerced us into non-action. Talk about Coercion!!! We need to take back control from these coercive, inhibiting feelings.
So for today, when a situation presents itself, let's ask ourselves this question:
"How would I like to respond to this if my inhibitions stopped coercing me?"
And when we have that answer, let's make a conscious choice to act in spite of our inhibitions...and see what wonderful things happen.
Let me know how you feel about these ideas. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
The Mother of All Fears
Fears can ruin our lives because they prevent us from being ourselves and living happy fulfilled lives; they keep us closed up, bottled up, inhibited.
We could list all kinds of Fears but underlying most of them is.....
Fear of rejection. That is the big one
If you think of all the things that make you anxious, fearful, nervous and drill down you will are likely to see fear of rejection is an underlying factor.
Ok, so what is Fear of Rejection?
I think it is a natural human reaction built into us at the same time as the Fight or Flight impulse and it is part of our mission to understand it and learn to overcome it in order to have a happier, freer, more successful life.
When Fear of Rejection gets out of hand it is similar to when the body creates an 'auto-immune disease'. The body does not realize that it is fighting against its own healthy cells and a dangerous, even life threatening disease can be created.
So what does that have to do with Fear of Rejection? When it is not managed well, it can create an unhappy, unhealthy life. It destroys good things about us just as an auto-immune disease destroys cells.
If that is so, how can it be a natural part of our makeup?
Long before we lived in cities, towns and nations our ancestors gathered in tribes and moved from place to place in search of food. They survived as members of the tribe which provided safety, community and sustenance. If someone was forced out of the tribe, no matter what the reason, their chances of survival greatly lessened and in many cases, certain death; unless they could find another tribe to join. There was (and is) safety in the tribe that didn't exist alone. There were also restrictions, the rules of the tribe. You had to be pretty fear-less or fed up to take on the tribal leaders.
It is interesting that we are seeing this in Iran today. The dissatisfaction is so great that it overcomes (not eliminates) the fear.
In our own country, the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s was an example of enough is enough overcoming fear. Does it mean that people had no fear? of course they were afraid, but they acted anyway. But I must point out that in both of these cases there was a grass roots ground swell. The initial person who may have acted did not have to act alone for long. If they did not get a ground swell, they would have been jailed...ousted from the tribe so to speak.
So a "tipping point" had been reached. The anger and frustration, the sense that success might be a possibility, that action had to be taken...allowed people to hold their fear in check. Inspiration and the excitement of possibility helped to supplant the feelings of fear. But they did this in the context of a new "tribe" so that when fear arose, they could support one another in maintaining their inspiration and enthusiasm in creating the new order and the new 'tribe'.
This weekend was 4th of July, the celebration of our independence and the founding of the United States of America. In watching many of the great educational programs on over the weekend, I began to realize in a whole new way the deeply personal and life threatening choices the colonists had to face. How much they had to lose. The signers of the Declaration of Independence would be hung and probably their families as well. The were wealthy men with much to lose. The average citizens would have to leave farms and shops and with little food, training or ammunition take on the greatest army in the world!
The British Army was vicious in its response to the uprising in an attempt to create fear and terror in the colonists so that they would give up, surrender. And the people were afraid, but they did not give up. they may even have wanted to but they did not give up. Miraculously, some might say, the persevered and created a new "tribe".
Fear of Rejection is deep within our makeup. It is there to keep us safe; to keep us within the "tribe". But it does not fit in many, perhaps most, situations. It is about 'prevention' not creation.
Ok, so what do we do about that? Stay tuned for the next post!
We could list all kinds of Fears but underlying most of them is.....
Fear of rejection. That is the big one
If you think of all the things that make you anxious, fearful, nervous and drill down you will are likely to see fear of rejection is an underlying factor.
Ok, so what is Fear of Rejection?
I think it is a natural human reaction built into us at the same time as the Fight or Flight impulse and it is part of our mission to understand it and learn to overcome it in order to have a happier, freer, more successful life.
When Fear of Rejection gets out of hand it is similar to when the body creates an 'auto-immune disease'. The body does not realize that it is fighting against its own healthy cells and a dangerous, even life threatening disease can be created.
So what does that have to do with Fear of Rejection? When it is not managed well, it can create an unhappy, unhealthy life. It destroys good things about us just as an auto-immune disease destroys cells.
If that is so, how can it be a natural part of our makeup?
Long before we lived in cities, towns and nations our ancestors gathered in tribes and moved from place to place in search of food. They survived as members of the tribe which provided safety, community and sustenance. If someone was forced out of the tribe, no matter what the reason, their chances of survival greatly lessened and in many cases, certain death; unless they could find another tribe to join. There was (and is) safety in the tribe that didn't exist alone. There were also restrictions, the rules of the tribe. You had to be pretty fear-less or fed up to take on the tribal leaders.
It is interesting that we are seeing this in Iran today. The dissatisfaction is so great that it overcomes (not eliminates) the fear.
In our own country, the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s was an example of enough is enough overcoming fear. Does it mean that people had no fear? of course they were afraid, but they acted anyway. But I must point out that in both of these cases there was a grass roots ground swell. The initial person who may have acted did not have to act alone for long. If they did not get a ground swell, they would have been jailed...ousted from the tribe so to speak.
So a "tipping point" had been reached. The anger and frustration, the sense that success might be a possibility, that action had to be taken...allowed people to hold their fear in check. Inspiration and the excitement of possibility helped to supplant the feelings of fear. But they did this in the context of a new "tribe" so that when fear arose, they could support one another in maintaining their inspiration and enthusiasm in creating the new order and the new 'tribe'.
This weekend was 4th of July, the celebration of our independence and the founding of the United States of America. In watching many of the great educational programs on over the weekend, I began to realize in a whole new way the deeply personal and life threatening choices the colonists had to face. How much they had to lose. The signers of the Declaration of Independence would be hung and probably their families as well. The were wealthy men with much to lose. The average citizens would have to leave farms and shops and with little food, training or ammunition take on the greatest army in the world!
The British Army was vicious in its response to the uprising in an attempt to create fear and terror in the colonists so that they would give up, surrender. And the people were afraid, but they did not give up. they may even have wanted to but they did not give up. Miraculously, some might say, the persevered and created a new "tribe".
Fear of Rejection is deep within our makeup. It is there to keep us safe; to keep us within the "tribe". But it does not fit in many, perhaps most, situations. It is about 'prevention' not creation.
Ok, so what do we do about that? Stay tuned for the next post!
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